alexandrahope's Blog

It's 4:20am and I can't sleep.

I slept for a few hours, but I just woke up feeling intensely anxious and scared, my mind is racing and stomach is really tight. This always baffles and frustrates me, because there is no real reason for me to feel these things. My life has been rather mellow, everything is always getting better, I am really lucky actually. I just feel really alone despite all of this positivity. I can't shake the anxiety, the jitters, the feeling like I just want to cry. I know how silly it sounds. I really cannot control it, i've tried therapy and self soothing (I suck at that) I take medication to help me sleep, vitamins to feel good, etc....  yet I always feel like I just want to curl into a ball.

I am not sure why this happens to me, it's more of a physical reaction then a mental one in all honesty. I can tell myself exactly what is happening, but my body will still react in that awful way. I just open my eyes and wake up feeling like i'm going to crawll out of my skin. I will get a few days of good sleep and good food and then we're back to this nonsense. It's almost like the fear of this exact situation is what prevents me from sleeping well and taking proper care. It's a sick cycle really. I almost feel childish, I know I should be striving and working harder to cope with this, and not complaining so much. I hope this occurance makes me tired enough to sleep tomorrow evening. I will probably nod off for another little while before I am up for the day today. I am going to drink some water, turn on my fan, try to curl back into my sea of blankets and pillows and hope for the best..

I guess it also doesn't help my musician father is jamming in his studio which is beneathe me. Noise is comforting though, I am playing music right now, ontop of my fan and it's soothing my insides already. I guess all that is missing is someone beside me to rub my back and tell me it'll go away if I just breathe.

Some day I hope.

Anyway...  Goodnight everyone, I hope you have sweet dreams :)